LIFE IN THE CASTLE

We left King Sarx on a good note. He entered into a transaction that set him free to begin enjoying life, instead of surviving. As a race of fallen humans, we spend much of our time trying to survive, all the while God meant for us to enjoy an abundant life! We are basically into doing things backwards. God would have us go one way, and our natural tendency is to go the opposite. If we try to survive, we will lose what we really need. If we let go and allow the Master to control our lives, we will always win in the long run.
Kings live in castles, don't they? I want to use a picture of our life being like a castle, to show how we can misuse the natural instincts of survival and self-protection. When everything seems to be going well, we are free to let the drawbridge down and go out and mingle with the peasants and other kings from neighboring castles. If we feel threatened, we will retreat to our castle and pull up the drawbridge. The gates are shut. We're safe once again. When we're small children at play, these self-defense measures can be as simple as taking our marbles and going home. A little later in life, it may be an outburst of anger, followed by running to our room and throwing our self on the bed for a good cry.
Farther down the line, a threatened survivor might run off to "find himself" (apart from his family and responsibilities); or she might run home to mommy, leaving the trauma of marriage far behind. It appears as though we need a safe place to run to until the danger passes. The danger is usually something we perceive as a threat to our maintaining control. When an infant is hungry, he is out of control and will use crying to regain control. When a girlfriend snatches away one's Barbie doll, the youngster feels out of control. Her royal highness may mount her steed and, armed with her lance, attack the opponent who has threatened her realm. If the opponent is too powerful, the ripped-off sovereign will hightail it to a neighboring castle, most likely the Queen Mother's, and plead for intervention. In adult life, the courts and lawyers replace moms.
Not all kings and queens are created equal. Some are strong aggressors. They spend their lives making raids on neighboring villages. They will enslave all they can. They are happiest when everyone bows to their wishes. But life is not kind to these self-centered scoundrels. There is usually a bully somewhere who is a bit stronger than they are, and as the wicked stepmother in Snow White, they cannot rest knowing that they are not the fairest (or toughest) in the land.
If you watch this type of personality, they make everything a game of winner-take-all. They must come out on top in every argument. If they ever have to compromise, they devise a way to make the peasants pay!
There's not a whole lot we can do with tyrant kings. But rest assured, life will level their castles as they have done to so many others. To resist them directly, or try to correct them, is to become their next project for destruction.
The teenager who is driving his parents up a wall may be one of these strong controllers. He has outgrown the need for his parents (or so he thinks) and he must push them off his castle lawn. When he feels he is losing control, he will bully them around with embarrassing behaviors that they seemingly can do little about except get angry or depressed. Time will step on him as he has stepped on others! If the parents survive his insurrection, they will probably be asked to come to his rescue one day as he is overpowered by someone or something bigger than his tyrant-power can handle!
People who are always trying to control others with anger, sickness, intimidation, depression, pity, guilt, pseudo-spirituality, etc., will never be able to enjoy the kingdom they are striving madly to obtain. As they sacrifice the feelings and needs of others to obtain their desired goals, they will hit the wall Jesus talked about.
When Peter heard His Lord telling of the coming crucifixion, Peter got quite upset. How can anyone ever amount to anything in life if he lets the world crucify him? Peter informed Jesus that as long as old "Rocky" was around, no one was going to do such a thing to his Master! Jesus told the disciples in response to this "self-protection" scheme:
To save your life is to lose it, and to lose your life for My sake is to gain it.When aggressive people push us easygoing folks, we have a strong built-in protection device that automatically goes into operation. We usually see their push as a threat to our survival. This is further complicated by the fact that we do not see life as it really is. What we judge as aggression may merely be their poor attempt at communication or survival. Even when someone is invading our space, it is very hard to obtain an objective picture of what is actually taking place, because we all see life differently.
Most of the time, there are three different pictures before us. First, we see an actual event, which if simple enough, can be objectively reported. If we see an apple on the brown table, all may agree. However, life is complicated by our past. We could say that each of us is looking at life through filters or colored glasses. We rarely see anything as clearly as it is. For instance, we might have a room full of produce buyers looking at the apple on the brown table. Ask each one what they see, and I'll bet few respond with, an apple on a brown table. To one it is a McIntosh, to another it's a Jonathan. To complicate the matter, call in some furniture appraisers and ask them what they see. Their trained eyes see some things hidden from my layman's eyes.
My point is, rarely in life do any of us see things in a purely objective sense. Either we will argue on the quality of an object (like the apple), or its relative size (the apple is just right), or even what kind it is!
Who is right when we all view life through different filters? One employee may think the boss is great, because he is just like her uncle and she got along well with her uncle. Another worker thinks the boss is unbearable, because he reminds her of her ex-husband! Neither sees the boss as he sees himself.
How can we compare situations that are highly subjective and emotionally dynamic to us? It's extremely difficult for us to be objective, and if we act as if our viewpoint is the only valid one, we will multiply our troubles. Our past pains, hopes, etc., put weird glasses on us, and seeing through them makes objectivity almost impossible. Inner healing and personal maturity can aid in reducing our prejudices and perceived notions, but even the best of folks still "see through a glass darkly" (1 Corinthians 13:12 KJV).
Will you agree with me that there are at least two different pictures before us, the actual event or object, and how we perceive it? Now, add to this confusion another picture, how we think things should be.
Nowhere is this as varying as in what constitutes a clean house. A neat freak will argue to her last breath with a laid back slob over what constitutes the house being "clean." Who is right? What makes one person's picture or standard better than another's? We may not agree on the pictures in our heads of how things should be, but many risk their lives on the fact that their picture is the right one.
You've experienced these three views, I'm sure. Let's say a friend insists you try the new restaurant in town. They promise the best tasting food of your entire life. You come away from a disappointing dinner, scratching your head, wondering if your friend has taste buds that work! We could send in a chemist and have him analyze the food. He would give us a computer printout of the exact ingredients; this is the first picture. Our assessment of the food is biased by our filters (especially if the cuisine is our "specialty"); this is the second picture. We know in our head what the food should really taste like; this is the third picture.
These three different pictures are not that big of a deal in most situations we face. What makes for confusion is when we view an event as threatening to our survival. A family member may not have meant anything personal by his remark, but our perception, compared to the ideal picture in our head, produces great pain.
A wife may have a theoretical picture of a husband who is always there for her. He "should be" soft and warm, comforting her through the hard times of life, even when he's had a bad day. Her picture of "husband" does not allow for him to be tired and grouchy. When he comes short of her ideal, tension begins to rise up inside her castle. She may draw up the bridge (depression or silence), or she may throw something at him from her castle wall. He stands there wondering what's wrong and she gets madder, feeling he should know what her mental picture is.
Our survival instinct makes us very biased and clouds an already fuzzy picture of the facts. My perceptions will cause me to react to a different situation than the one you're seeing, and one that may be very different to an objective bystander. Counseling becomes a delicate process of untangling the three different pictures we all struggle with. How do you solve a problem that may not exist anywhere except in someone's mental perception? Successful human relations come about as we try to lay aside some of our filters and attempt to see life from another's perspective.
After you've lived long enough, you probably have few idealistic pictures left in your head. Life has a way of making realists out of us, or at least tarnishing our glitter. Some strong people continue to push upstream in pursuit of the pictures in their head of how life should be. It may cost them a heart attack or a stroke, but so what, at least they have been able to keep what they "know" is the true picture!
Many of the wars between neighboring kingdoms (such as with some husbands and wives) can go on for years, and the supposed initial cause has long been forgotten. Since the first shot was fired, walls have been reinforced and parapets stocked with necessary ammunition (such as grievances) for retaliation. As the survival walls thicken, love emaciates.
True love flourishes in an atmosphere of acceptance, openness, and vulnerability. Therefore, self-protection actually becomes a tool the enemy uses against us. Survival-thinking warps our already distorted picture of life.
Most little kings are not overly aggressive, and will spend their lives between trying to have a picnic on the castle lawn with their neighbors and running into their castle when a threat to their control appears. Protecting self by pulling into our castle seems the smartest thing to do, but it gives our neighbors confusing signals. They assume we are rejecting them. Strangers can usually care less, but close friends and family members take offense when they feel we are rejecting them or their efforts to help.
I believe many of our responses of self-protection, that are very sane and sensible to us, are perceived as rejection or as a personal affront by others. Many wives are merely asking for reassurance from their husbands, but the crossed signals are perceived as demands that will hinder his survival. The tired husband sees her subtle requests for attention as a threat to his recuperation. As she presses him to "communicate," he may pull further inside his walls of protection, feeling that an additional outlay of energy could be fatal.
Alcohol and drugs can produce a fantasy land where the rejected can run to lick their wounds. Their retreat for survival is perceived as rejection by significant persons in their lives, and usually results in another swing around the rejection cycle.
The make-believe world of TV and romance novels can construct castles in the sky where the rejected may go to hide. While in la-la land, their departure is seen as rejection from the folks who provoked their retreat. As rejection breeds more rejection, the world we perceive grows increasingly ugly. Anger, depression, guilt, and a host of games join together in making all the participants as miserable as possible. Why do we run into fantasies? Surely the enemy is the salesman who pushes the trip, but he must appeal to our sense of fear. Survival is probably behind most of it! The absurd end of this cycle is that the more we try to find coping devices to survive the rigors of life, the more others around assume we are rejecting them and therefore reject us, which increases our negative feelings all the more.
Don't forget the phantom. His never-ceasing supply of criticisms and comparisons foster much of the raw material from which we weave our tangled webs of rejection. He is the accuser of the brethren and I think he enjoys his work. Because people are basically selfish, they enter relationships with less than adequate skills for optimizing relationships; and if that isn't bad enough, the father of lies tries to get them to think the worst about others. He offers suspicions and clouds the vision with perceptions designed to alienate friends.
King Sarx had the phantom to thank for many of his twisted ideas concerning his family members. We must be very careful to not agree with this diabolical madman who tries to make us see and think the worst of others.
To put this all together, if we perceive someone is rejecting us, and we have a picture in our mind that they should be treating us differently, we are already experiencing frustration. Now add to this the negative advice from the enemy. No wonder people act crazy. It's as though they are saying:
I perceive you are rejecting me; I have a picture in my head that you should be making me feel very important; and, someone or something is telling me that you aim to hurt me on purpose.
When these feelings build, we can experience a sensation of being overwhelmed. The phantom suggests we throw in the towel or powder someone's cookies or run away. He has a lot of advice for us when we hurt—but it's all bad! If we could take away the need to survive, or as King Sarx learned in the last chapter, yield up our life, then the enemy would be shut down from the very start. This is why Jesus said that if we seek to save our life, we will lose it, but if we will lose it for His sake, we will gain it!
Feeling like we need to survive (need our castles) becomes the fishhook of the devil that catches us every time. Rejection only works with someone who is a survivor, not with someone who agrees with Galatians 2:20,
For I have been crucified with Christ and it is no longer I, but Christ...
The phantom comes to one who is crucified with Christ and tells him that so-and-so is rejecting him; whereupon the believer replies, "So what! I don't have any rights, I'm dead to that nonsense!" Dead people don't have to survive!
Rejection doesn't get a chance to ferment its poison in our bodies if we run to the cross instead of into our castle! Even our perceptions, tainted as they are, are powerless to produce pain as we tack them on the cross. I see through a glass darkly; so, therefore, I must yield up my every perception to Jesus—it's no longer how I see life, but how Jesus sees life that counts!
The pictures in our head that generate frustration are to be taken down and laid at the Master's feet. Who says life should go the way we picture it should go? With yielded pictures, peace flows freely.
The pain we experience from distorted pictures is not what God had intended. As our Master, He wants us to check in with Him before we dream up great expectations. He uses our needs to make us dependent on His love and grace. We need Him by design. We will only find total inner peace and purpose when we rest in His divine provisions for us. He allows the painful perceptions we experience to dissuade us from ever thinking we can be happy apart from Him. Some ego-centered castle dwellers get angry with God for not making them complete in and of themselves.
Anger over roadblocks to how we think things should go can lead to rebellion, if we're not careful. "It's not fair" is a common response when our "shoulds" just don't cooperate! We know God is ultimately in control, therefore, the typical response is..."I'll show Him! See if I read my Bible or go to church." Like we're really hurting Him!
Saul of Tarsus had a mental picture that Christians were threatening the survival of the Jewish faith. What's a guy to do? Why not kill them! Saul was pouring out tremendous amounts of energy as he persecuted Christians, because they didn't believe like he thought they should. He probably felt rejected in life and was seeking to impress someone by his violent behavior. God used the inner pain of Saul to drive him into the waiting arms of Jesus. God didn't want to destroy Saul; He wanted to love and accept him.
Saul finally gave up on the rejection cycle and received God's unconditional grace. Saul's survival went out the window and in its place was total inner contentment for the first time in his life! Why survive when you can abide?
The trials of life were designed to refine creatures with a free will, who, out of a heart full of love for God, will trust His "bigger picture!" Such individuals will make a fitting bride for His Son. The plan was designed to detect those who wanted God's love, even at great personal cost! Our castles, on the other hand, offer a poor substitute for God's "eternal" protection!

Chapter Three

TEARING DOWN THE WALLS

Rahab was bound by her trade to live on the castle wall of Jericho. Her vocation was less than noble—she gave what was supposed to be love, for a price. Many people, though not engaged in such a vulgar pastime, offer a similar swap: "I'll give you a token of love if you give me what I want." We could call this a prostitution of real, sacrificial love. This kind of bartering traps us behind castle walls, and makes us prisoners of a substandard quality of life.
Rahab knew there was a better way to live. When she heard there were Israelites camping close by the city of Jericho, she found herself longing to be part of such a group—successful, in control, and free! When a couple of spies from the Israeli army came to her door, she saw her chance. They were quickly received and protected. She asked them to remember her when they took the city in war, because she had heard about the greatness of their God, Jehovah. A deal was struck. She had jeopardized her life for them, so they offered her protection. The sign of their covenant was a scarlet cord that was to be displayed in her window.
The cord reminds us of the scarlet blood that God used to purchase our redemption. The cord hanging from the window on the wall of the city is a picture of the cry of the penitent sinner, "Come rescue me."
The process of breaking down the walls of Jericho was totally of God. All the army of Joshua had to do was to march around the city for seven days while the trumpeters blew and priests carried the ark of the Lord's presence. They were to remain silent except for the priestly worship. I see this constant circling of the city (the problem) as a graphic reminder that GOD IS IN TOTAL CONTROL.
With this knowledge, one can emerge from his hiding place. Only if one stronger and more loving is in control dare we risk making ourselves the least bit vulnerable. But most people do not trust God; after all He let their favorite pet die, and He didn't heal Uncle Seymour, and why doesn't He stop all the problems in the world?
When it gets through to us that no one ever has or could love us as much as this Great Jehovah, we will yield our walls (and wills) up to Him. At the sound of His name, our knees will bow and our castle walls will come tumbling down. Our prison of captivity (safety walls become a dungeon) will be traded for life on the move with the Army of God! Instead of making a place for ourselves by selling ourselves, we become the bond slave of the Lord.

HOW DO YOU SPELL RELIEF?
How do I find relief from the threatening experiences of life? First, let's ask, "Why are they threatening?" Is it because someone is trying to take away my control? Is a pushy, dominant person causing me to have to work overtime to keep them from squashing my personality, my castle?
Do you catch yourself getting angry when you suspect someone is trying to manipulate you? What is your typical response? For most of us, we either fight back (resist outwardly), or pull into our shell (resist in our mind). If the carrot the person dangles in front of us is appetizing enough, we might go along with their manipulations.
If I fear losing control of my life to someone else, then I have only one solution...turn control of my life over to the King of kings. As I yield my life to Him, He will show me how to respond in such a way that keeps me from pulling into a shell or launching a counter attack. My fleshly responses will typically be selfish. When I turn to the Master first, He will be free to show me if I should take the name of Jesus as a sword and repel the enemy, as Ephesians 6:12 says, principalities and powers, not flesh and blood. Or, instead of a sword, He may have a cross that I need to take up. We must be careful, because not all battles are won the same way. The ornery person you'd like to chase off with the power of God may be another Saul of Tarsus, waiting for Ananias to take a chance and minister to him.
How can we help others get out of their castles, castles bound to be destroyed? If we try to save others from their prisons of self-centeredness by pulling, pushing, manipulation, haranguing, etc., all we'll do is stimulate further wall building. Instead of getting them to "see the light", they will probably retreat into their dungeon of self-protection. We see this all the time with pushy parents of troubled teens, and nagging husbands and wives. We push and they push back; we pull and they pull back.
There are many ways we humans push and manipulate to "get" others to respond the way we think they should! The most common means used to straighten others out is criticism. We dress this up as "constructive criticism", but the truth is, most criticism is perceived as rejection. Would it hurt your feelings if I suggested that you can do little, directly, to "straighten out" those closest to you? People resent being criticized, and most of our helpful suggestions are depicted by others as none other than judgements. What they hear is, "Do it my way, stupid!" Most criticism, even constructive criticism, is perceived as rejection—like it or not!
We hate being talked down to. It makes us feel like the other person is in control and we're out of control. Human nature resents being out of control! Who do you have the hardest time receiving criticism from? Why do you think their criticism irritates you?
Who resents your "insights" the most? See if you can catch this will-against-will scrimmage in others, in response to your "insights."
Correction is a very touchy matter for parents as their children grow older and develop independence in their thinking. Add to this the phantom's efforts to make the children see the parent as an opponent, rather than the one who probably loves them the most, and what do you have? War!
What can be worse than parents and children locked into an ego-against-ego struggle, castle-against-castle drama? Try this: a step-parent trying to correct a step-child. The new adult is perceived as none other than an interfering intruder. To comply with the step-parent is degrading enough, let alone when they use superior tones and smug threats. The ironic thing is that the struggles we see within homes are very similar to personality clashes that will be encountered at school, in the market place, and in the job force. To gain mastery over ego collisions in the home is to gain knowledge that will lead to success in future relationships in life.
Perhaps the story of Rahab can give us some hope for getting the good guy out of the castle headed for destruction. Joshua, following God's orders, merely marched around the city for seven days and seven times on the seventh day. The only noise heard was the sound of the priest's trumpets, probably playing a praise song. No one was to lift their voice until the time for the final shout.
There is probably no better advice for folks desiring to minister to those closest to them, than this:

Keep your comments to yourself and surround the person with prayer and encouragement.
What are we going to have to believe about God if we're to truly flow in praise in sticky situations? The promise of Romans 8:28 will have to be more real to us than the circumstances we see with our physical eyes.
As we keep our focus on the living God and His abilities, it will be easier to flow in praise and this, in turn, will foster an environment where change is far less threatening. I'm not free to change until I'm accepted as I am! If you are focusing on God's abilities instead of my inabilities, my disabilities will be less irritating to you and I will be less apt to be caught up in self-defense!
Would you be more willing to open your castle to someone who was always hot under the collar, or someone who was kind and thoughtful? Someone who was pushy, or someone who gave you plenty of space? Someone who could care less about your opinions, or someone who was actively laying their life down for you? Would you open yourself up to one who was always criticizing you, or someone who was always supportive?
If someone could get only one message through to you down in the dungeon of your castle, what would convince you to throw open the doors to them? We must become "safe" to those we are seeking to rescue! True love, God's kind of compassion, will be required to convince the fearful to venture out once again from their walls of safety.
The rejection cycle must be broken by acceptance, and it must start with us giving acceptance to those around us. Rahab sacrificed her life to gain it. She became a slave of the spies and thus became a free person. She survived by surrendering. She is a picture of the power of yielding to God. The piles of rubble left behind after the walls of Jericho fell are a testimony to what self-protecting survivors can expect. If you seek to save your life, you will lose it. If you lose your life for Jesus' sake, you will gain it! The message of Rahab's story is that she saved her entire family by jeopardizing her own life.
We need to talk about perceived rejection.
For King Sarx in chapter one, when he went past a certain time in his life, he began thinking everyone was against him. This breeds a mild form of paranoia—someone's out to get me! It may be that someone is out to get me, but more likely than not, it's a case of poor perception. There are enough bad guys out there in life that we can't relax and trust everybody; but to walk around fearful that everyone's out to get you is to respond from a destructive survival mode. We need enough sense to separate between exploiters and friends struggling to survive.
Usually our out-and-out enemies pose little internal conflict with rejection. The bully on the playground that never likes anyone does little to damage our psyche. The nasty Communists or aliens from the backside of the solar system are not to be trusted anyway, so when they reject me, no big deal. Their rejection is not taken personally! What produces great emotional damage is actual or perceived rejection from those closest to us—those we think are supposed to love us!
Let's look at an example of perceived rejection to see how easily we can get confused. A single parent comes home after an exhausting day of work. Her son had to be picked up at preschool, followed by a hurried stop at the grocery store. Feeling trapped at work, mom knows she can't quit her job, and she has no time to look for a better paying position. They enter the door of the slightly cluttered home, which mocks, "Boy, you'd better clean things up around here; you never know who'll drop by!"
She reaches down inside herself to find that extra push to forge ahead and start supper, desiring rather to plop and vegetate for about half an hour. Junior is hungry and whiny, so the sooner the better. And then there's the committee meeting at church tonight. "Shoot! Why did I ever volunteer for that stupid job?" With tons of shoulds and oughts running around in her head, and exhaustion dogging her heels, she is in less than an ideal state for what happens next.
Junior comes out into the kitchen to refresh his relationship with his most significant person. By clinging to her leg, he is making a statement: "Mommy, I wuv you." Being a little person, and less capable of communication, his verbalization is interpreted as a whine. Mom, at the brink of depleted resources, pushes Junior away and, with a tone in her voice that could wilt the wallpaper, says, "Stop that whining. You drive me crazy. Get out of here, go watch TV or something until dinner is ready."
If you are the mom, you may have read your son's whining as one more person making unreasonable demands on you—a form of rejection. If you were Junior, you have indisputable evidence that mom is rejecting you. But both are wrong. The truth is, they perceived rejection when the other person really wanted love and support. What confusion!
This happens frequently with friends. They get busy and forget an appointment, or to tell us about a special party. If the whole mess was laid out on a table in front of all parties involved, the truth would be that no rejection was meant. This is perceived rejection, and it happens to all of us from time to time. It only becomes devastating when it builds and we take ourselves too seriously. If I have a RIGHT to not be overlooked, yelled at, grouched at, etc., then this perceived rejection is placed on top of the pile of evidence. The enemy, the accuser of the brethren, points to this pile frequently and reminds us that so-and-so is rejecting us. Irritation festers into frustration, frustration grows into anger, and we all know where anger leads.
The accuser's desire is for us to get angry with someone: ourself, the rejector, God, maybe everyone. Hate is his weapon to destroy from the inside out. Hate eats us up. It doesn't matter if we hate ourself or others; both will accomplish the phantom's goals—kill, steal, destroy! The Scripture warns, "Do not let the sun go down on your anger" Anger kills!

REJECTION GOES THROUGH CYCLES
Our king in the first chapter accumulated enough evidence that he was rejected to make a decision to reject his world. Suicide is what we might call the ultimate form of "you rejected me, so I will reject you!" There are other reasons people take their own life, but rejection is probably involved somewhere.
Milder forms of "you rejected me, so I will reject you" are seen in millions of ways. This is probably one of the reasons some folks can never let anyone else win an argument. To lose is to be stupid, ignorant, beneath others—a reject! Castle walls are erected to keep out the enemy troops of rejection. Fiery missiles rise from the plains of conflict. They scream as they enter our brain— failure— reject! Our walls get higher. Usually, the only adequate bricks for these walls are words, mental words, words of self-justification. "How dare they say that about me, King Sarx!" Mental fantasies can paint our rejector as a dumb-dumb, or ourself as a poor, misunderstood martyr. When the words are believed, we begin to break with reality. Neurosis starts with a denial of reality, and can lead to psychosis, debilitating mental devices that render us captive to the enemy's lies.
Sociopaths are criminals that are like a Rambo seeking to retaliate on the society that has rejected them. "Dem guys are gettin' what they deserve!" This is the extreme. In lesser amounts, this poison can keep once "love birds" at arm's distance and in a state of survival where suspicion keeps them very touchy. This is the kind of stuff divorces are made of. You rejected me, so I will reject you.
Another form is, "I'll reject you before you can reject me again." The list of games goes on, and so does the heartache, but there is a better way.
Survival is very selfish. It is the epitome of self-centeredness. People who insist on surviving do not make good heroes. The guys that get the medals are the ones who risk their lives to save someone else. The good lawyers on TV are the ones who risk their careers to save their clients.
Have you ever heard of a marriage breaking up because both partners were more concerned with meeting each other's needs than surviving? Usually, the story goes like this. The wife has always given in to her husband's demands. He is either a bully or a pouter, but just the same, he's a spoiled brat who must have his own way—probably like King Sarx. She takes this through the years until she is told by others one too many times that she is dumb for putting up with him. "It's time to stand up for yourself. Are you going to let him get away with this forever?" Well-meaning friends counsel her to fight back. Their advice hits a tender spot inside. After all, she should be concerned with her survival. She's not a slave or something, is she? Jesus couldn't want her to be pushed around like this. "If you don't stand up for yourself, who will?"
With pressure mounting, she switches from "good mom/ nice wife" mode to survival mode. "It's time for me!" When she makes the decision to stand up for herself and fight for her rights, the enemy volunteers to supply her with a bunch of weapons. You probably can easily think of what some of these weapons might be.
We don't want to use our foe's foul tools; they're messy. It's not that there isn't a time for us to stand up for ourselves; there is. Jesus didn't lay His life down until it was the right time. The apostle Paul sometimes used his Roman citizenship to protect himself. The Lord warned those He sent out to flee when folks rejected their message and tried to hurt them. There is a time to protect ourself, but only after we've submitted everything to the Master; otherwise we'll end up using the enemy's weapons to fight back. He wants us to strike out at flesh and blood, while the truth is we are wrestling against principalities and powers. To defend ourselves without first submitting to the Father is to likely be tricked into wasting our time fighting the wrong opponent.
A marriage can usually put up with only one major ego-maniac at a time. When the once compliant wife begins to push back against her dominating husband, there is war in the castle-home. As with most wars, rarely does anyone come out the overall winner.
Shouldn't she stick up for herself? Does God want us to be pushed around all our life? What happens when the rejected tries to out-reject the rejector? Does anyone survive?
Our loving Father in heaven designed marriage to be a Garden of Eden of love, not a Sahara Desert of rejection! God always has a better way of handling rejection. Standing up for my rights is not it! And buying the lie that, "I'm a creep, so I might as well put up with all this mistreatment," doesn't release the power of God either. Only one thing moves the hand of God: faith working through love!
Out of trust in the only true King, Jesus, I offer my life to Him. This faith-love triggers His Impossible Power. God has a plan for the egocentric husband, as well as the submissive wife. When she responds to Jesus properly, instead of deploying her own attack, He is free to use her to capture the Citadel of Egodom of her husband or set her free from a destructive relationship. God wants the husband humbled more than she, but He wants to use her in a team effort!
What do you think could happen if a wife responds properly to the Lord in a bad marriage, yet her husband refuses to yield to the Lord's plan? God has far more options than the phantom will admit. Our foe wants to limits the wife's options and coax her into taking matters into her own hands. When given full reign, Father God can do some pretty slick things—everything from knocking a Saul of Tarsus off his horse, to removing the hard-hearted obstacle.
God's plans will always ultimately work everything together for good for the sincere saint, but they are nasty to the flesh. Ego will usually shy away in horror, thinking there must be a better way. God took the rejection of mankind and placed it upon Himself, as the incarnate Son, on a Roman cross! Through death to acceptance, He bought true acceptance. God's foolproof plan is for us to get smaller, even to the point of extinction of fleshly self. Our ego is dethroned. We die to rights. We walk the lonely path to the cross!
There is a prize awaiting the person who presses past the games of rejection and instead fellowships with Jesus in His suffering. When we are conformed to His death, we allow rejection, actual or perceived, to slay the flesh in us. Our supposed needs are yielded up to the Father, which mortifies our flesh and makes it possible for Him to supply what we truly need.
God performs a miracle in response to our yielding to servanthood—resurrection. In the verses above, the experiencing of God's resurrection power only comes after we fellowship with His suffering by taking up our cross.
I've seen rough, tough husbands melted by the resurrection power of God. The wife will tell how her husband adamantly swore he would never go to church, or stop drinking, or some such thing, only to find that when the power of God fell, old mushball husband did just what the Lord told him to do! The danger is, we may have more faith in sinful man, than in Almighty God.
If we obey the Lord, He can use whatever force is required to pull down strongholds and prisons that trap our loved ones. I enjoy the story in First Kings where wicked Jeroboam, in a fit of rage, yelled "Seize him" for the guards to grab the faithful prophet. As the king's hand went out in the tyrannical gesture, it turned leprous! All of a sudden the angry king was a puffball. The prophet was now in control, all because of the power of God. And speaking of God setting our loved ones free, recall the story of the Exodus! God has some pretty heavy options that He can use, if we'll trust Him and give Him enough room to work!
If we fight and push because we think God won't protect us, then we're acting out of unbelief, which is sin according to Romans 14:23. We may not want to ask God to fight for us because we feel guilty from an impure heart. We might take matters into our own hands because God may take too long to get involved. This is doubt and unbelief.
There are extreme cases where stubborn people harden their hearts and God's response is to move them out of the picture. God did this with Nabal in First Samuel because he resisted helping the servant of the Lord. God got fed up with rebellious Israel during the reign of the wicked kings and removed them from the scene. If we respond to hostile people with anger and vengeance, we'll mess things up. If we humble ourselves before God, He will settle the score in the most fitting way. He will give them opportunity to cooperate or hang themselves.
Wouldn't it be sad if we took matters into our own hands and blew a fuse, only to discover that what we perceived as rejection was merely our mate's insecurity and inferiority complex? Praising God for others just as they are will trigger a stream of grace and mercy that will flow out to them and minister to their insecurities. As praise tore down the walls of Jericho, so it can tear down the walls others build in feeble attempts at self-protection. As Rahab saved her family by laying down her life, so we can see our loved ones saved by giving our life as a living sacrifice. People will be more apt to come out of their castles of safety when they sense our sincere, selfless love for them. And the opposite is also true; they will retreat deeper into their fortress when they detect that our intentions are selfish.